7 years. Really??

Today marks our SEVENTH anniversary. I don't know why seven sounds so much longer than six. . . Maybe it's all the extra letters. Seven years ago, I knew I was marrying my best friend, I knew I was incredibly lucky, and I was so happy. I had NO IDEA what was in store. I didn't know how much stronger our friendship would become and I am certain I didn't realize how lucky I really was. A lot has happened to us these past seven years and we have learned a lot about life and about each other. I thought I was as happy as a person could be back then, but I was so wrong. Spencer amazes me everyday with his patience, love, humor, and bulging biceps. We work together on projects and life in a way I can't even explain. He just "gets" me in a way no one else can. He lets me change my mind over and over about where to put the furniture, what business we are going to start next, and what I want for dinner. He supports me no matter what and is always there when I need someone. I can't describe the overwhelming gratitude I feel. I know that Heavenly Father made him and molded him to be perfect for me. When we were in the Bountiful Temple on our wedding day the sealer told us that we had known each other before we came here, and I wholeheartedly know that is true. There is no way we could know each other so well and be so in love after only seven years. We are traveling for our anniversary, which has happened almost every year, so we can't really celebrate in the traditional way. BUT we get to be together and that is more than enough. I am so happy to have Spencer as my Eternal Companion and I'm excited to continue this adventure with him.

Happy anniversary lover! You are more than I dreamed I would ever have.

Conflicted

I really do love my life. We have our share of challenges, but my husband is so good to our little family, my kids are the best, my calling is fun and challenging, I own a business doing what I love, and I honestly am happy. But I still have these weird feelings lately. Post baby hormones? Maybe. Sheer exhaustion? Possibly. (And why is it that putting these weird feelings into words and then pushing the post now, publish, or send button and shooting them off into cyberspace automatically makes us feel better? Validation I guess.)

I know we have been asked to be home with our children if it's possible for us. So I try my very hardest to make that "possible" happen. And I'll be honest, it kinda sucks sometimes. I simply can't be "just the Mom" and have those ever looming "ends" meet up each month. Because of this, I wear many hats.

I wrap myself up in these thoughts. Why are we asked to stay home with our kids? When I personally think about that, it's so we can read to them, play with them, get out the play dough and finger-paint and bubbles. It's so we can nourish their bodies and spirits and teach them and help them develop their self esteem and a sense of security right? Well one of my many hats is the tender-of-other-people's-kids hat. There are some days by the time they've all gone home I've forgotten we even own books or play dough, I really don't remember if I even fed my own kids lunch, and my demeanor is LESS than conducive to an environment that would build any kind of self esteem for anyone. I can't help but think my kids my be better off at a daycare with structure and bubbles and Clorox wipes. My rational self knows that isn't the case, but my sleep deprived, frustrated, postpartum self isn't so sure.

I really have no idea what the purpose of this post is, other than to vent. I know my kids will be fine and the "ends" will eventually meet somewhere along the line. Maybe I just need someone to be feeling the same way as me. Or maybe I need someone who has a BRILLIANT marketing plan that will make my photography business take-off and I'll quit doing all the other extras. Maybe I just need a nap.

Being a Mom is so much different that not being one. (I know that sounds stupid and redundant. I never claimed to be good with words.) I remember when I was a teenager I heard a quote and I just loved it. I really took it to heart. It went something like this, "Live so those who don't know Him but know you will want to know Him BECAUSE they know you." Or something like that. Speaking of the Savior of course. And back then, I thought I knew how to do that. I tried to be kind to everyone, make good choices, keep the Spirit with me, and all of those other important things. As a Mom, I'm not really sure how to do that! I don't think seeing me vacuum and wipe butts and clean spit-up off the couch is making my children want to know the Savior. ha ha ha. I feel like I almost have to relearn how to be a good person. I am not doing my feelings justice here, but what I'm trying to say is, I'm at a place in my life that feeling the Spirit is harder than it used to be. Does that make any sense??

All of that being said, (And I feel better already by the way.) isn't it amazing how apparent it is that our Savior cares for us and wants the best for us? Even more so than I care for my own kids, which is hard for me to understand. He sends phone calls, friends, tender moments with my kids, responsibilities that make me forget myself, and a loving husband who even puts up with my rambling. He sends angels who leave us gift cards that seriously SAVED our Christmas. (I hope you are reading this whoever you where. I cannot begin to tell you what that meant to our little family.) He sends us neighbors who will do anything for us at the drop of a hat, and extra ways to earn money at just the right times. This stage of life is hard in so many ways, but we are learning so much.

This is why I am so conflicted. A small part of me can't wait until this part of our life is over. I can't wait until we can buy our kids clothes that fit without going without something else. I can't wait until I have time to scrapbook, read, learn to play the guitar, go out with friends, and shave my legs. BUT a bigger part of me wants to STOP time. I want to freeze my kids just how they are right now and soak it in. I love Carters funny, impossible attitude. He is so smart and learning so much. I could sit and talk to him for hours. Mason is so loving to everyone. And so innocent. I want to stay right here with him home with me all day learning and playing. Not being influenced by kids at school and the outside world. Davis is perfect. He smiles and laughs and sleeps and coos and just looks at me and melts my heart. And dang it, he is going to get bigger too.

Yes, I am rambling. No, there is no point to this post. It is just the thoughts and feelings of a Mom, trapped at home with little kids, everywhere, who needs a sounding board. A little adult interaction. Thanks for listening. ;p

Never Enough

We all have times that things really weigh us down. I know sometimes I feel like there is just never enough. Never enough time to accomplish all of the tasks I set out to do. Never enough funds to make ends meet and feel comfortable at the end of the month. Never enough time to be with my husband. Never enough energy to keep up on my housework like I'd like to. When I get in this mode of thinking, I feel like I'm never enough!! It's very discouraging. Don't you think that's how Satan wants us to feel? When I get in this mode of thinking, I'm not a good Mom, I'm not a good wife, and I'm not a good member of the church.
Today I'm trying to remember that by myself, I will NEVER be enough. That is why we have our dear Savior. To make up the difference when we fall short. He is always there for us and knows us better than we know ourselves sometimes. I need to rely on his help and support. I need to LET him lift me up and help me get through. I am so grateful for Him. I am so grateful for His love for me and genuine concern for my well being. Next time I feel like I'm not enough, I hope I'll come back and read this and remember I DON'T HAVE TO BE!!! ;) Instead of feeling discouraged and worthless, I need to hit my knees and ask for help. I know He will always be there for me.

Happy Birthday

I really feel bad for all of you who read this. The reason I feel bad is because you will never have the opportunity to be married to this amazing person. Some how I lucked out or she lost a bet. Jenny is the best wife in the world and the best mom to our boys. We all love her so much and appreciate all she does to help us get along. It is so much fun starting and ending businesses with her. It is a blast watching her take pride in her photography, she does such a great job. It really amazes me at how talented she is. I love watching her play with the boys and it is fun as we try to get Carter to realize that he can walk. Every day I wonder how miserable life would be with out Jenny. I cannot imagine a time in my life when she was not a part of it. She truly is my better half and I would be nothing with out her. I hope your birthday brings you happiness and the fun you deserve. I love you more than anything. Happy Birthday Babe!

I have to apologize for the pictures that are being posted! They are the only ones I have on my work computer.

What Love Is.

A good friend of mine. . .(Who doesn't read this, but "Thanks Caroline!") sent me this link the other day. It talks about what love is and ways we can show it. Reading it got me thinking about what love is to me. Read on if you wish.

Love is holding hands across a king sized bed under the pillows so that the two children in the middle don't know. (They wouldn't have it!)

It is dropping by someone's house just to chat for no reason, talking about nothing, and leaving that person feeling rejuvenated and ready to face the day.

Love is leaving money under the milk in the fridge and a dollar bill on a little boys pillow. Even more, it is the screech that escapes that little boy when he finds the dollar bill on his pillow.

Love is holding someone while they cry even though you can't fix it.

It is a boy with 4 little teeth grinning up at you immediately after he sprays you with the bite of strained peas you just fed him.

Love is spending your birthday money on dinner and a movie for your family instead of on things you need yourself.

It is looking at someone with an unshaven face, just-woke-up hair style, worn out jammies and stinky morning breath and STILL getting butterflies.

It's a phone call, a thank you, a nice note, and a smile.

It is seeing Mason get so excited when Carter wakes up and hearing him say, "Hey Carter! You're my best friend! How was your nap?" when he doesn't know I'm listening.

I have just been grateful to people in my life that help me get from one day to the next. Thank you to my sweet husband who I love more than ANYTHING and to all of the great people who make me feel loved.

"It is something we all know when we feel it, but words simply are not adequate enough to define it. Love is so many things, a feeling, an intention and a thank you. It is compassionate, it is generous, it is funny, it is serious, it breaks our hearts and yet it heals all things. Love is expressed in a trillion ways, it is found in a smile, blowing a kiss, a wink, a song, a poem, a word or even a batch of chocolate chip cookies. There is so much to say about love, but the heart of the matter is, we all want to be loved and we all want to love."

5 Years. . . .

So today is our five year anniversary. I really can't believe it's been 5 years. I don't feel old enough to be married for five years. (I don't feel old enough to have two kids either, but anyway. .) We went out to dinner last night which was fun. We stayed up way to late with Mason watching the Yellowstone Special on Animal Planet. Today will probably just be another normal day, but it's one more day that I get to be with my best friend, so it's a perfect day for an anniversary!! I could not ask for a better husband or a better Daddy for my kids. Spencer is the greatest and we love him so much. If the first five years have been this much fun, I can't wait for the next 5, or 10, or 50!! I love you babe!!

I love you…. in a really, really big … pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window…unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.

I pick you for at least 5 more years!







P.S. Why didn't anyone tell me my eyebrows were so bushy back then?????

Husband Tag

Husband Tag!!!

1. Where did you meet your husband? SUU. I was kind of (very unofficially) engaged when we met, but he won in in the end. I was his FHE Mom.
2. How long did you date before you got married? We were engaged 2 months into our datingness and dated for a total of 6 months before we got married. It was really fast.
3. How long have you been married? 4.5 years
4. What does he do that surprises you? He comes home at lunch sometimes, that's always a nice surprise. A little adult conversation does a Mommy good!
5. What is your favorite feature of his? His bum. Am I allowed to say that online? ;)
6. What is his best quality? He is so easy-going and very caring.
7. Does he have a nickname for you? Babe, Wifey, Hun.
8. What is his favorite food? Yes. Pizza, Steak, anything chocolate, anything he sees on Food Network. He is a very good cook.
9. What is his favorite sport? Football. He coaches the 9th grade team and has a recent obsession with the Utes. I like 'em too, but really, do we have to listen to the game on the radio in the car??
10. When and where did you first kiss? Well, we kissed before we even went on a date. He tried the night before and I didn't let him. Then the next day he snuck one in at my apt. before he left for the night. He is a very good kisser by the way!
11. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? Make out. Just kidding. I don't think we even remember how. We like to go camping, cook new foods, and craft. He is a very good crafter.
12. Do you have any children? Mason is 3 and Carter is 2 months.
13. Does he have any hidden talents? Yes, but they are still hiding. Just kidding. He is very good at lining up quilt squares for me to sew. Our little assembly lines make the process go much faster! I am making him sound really girly huh? He is also really good at blowing things up and catching things on fire. (There. . . is that manly?)
14. How old is he? 29
15. Who said 'I love you first'? He did. Under the table at my apartment. Random.
16. What is his favorite music? REO Speedwagon, Van Halen, Veggie Tales. He secretly LOVES Oh where is my hairbrush!
17. What do you admire most about him? He is really good with kids and 8th graders.
18. What is his favorite color? He doesn't even know. . . Probly Red. Go utes!
19. Will he read this? He is sitting here editing as I type. Don't you hate when people look over your shoulder while you are on the computer? Ya, me too.
20. Who do you tag? Katie, Kim, Kenzie (ha ha, just kidding maybe in 23 months), Tami, Natalie, anyone else who wants to. . . . . And Spencer. But maybe call it Wife Tag instead, otherwise it might be a little weird!