Conflicted

I really do love my life. We have our share of challenges, but my husband is so good to our little family, my kids are the best, my calling is fun and challenging, I own a business doing what I love, and I honestly am happy. But I still have these weird feelings lately. Post baby hormones? Maybe. Sheer exhaustion? Possibly. (And why is it that putting these weird feelings into words and then pushing the post now, publish, or send button and shooting them off into cyberspace automatically makes us feel better? Validation I guess.)

I know we have been asked to be home with our children if it's possible for us. So I try my very hardest to make that "possible" happen. And I'll be honest, it kinda sucks sometimes. I simply can't be "just the Mom" and have those ever looming "ends" meet up each month. Because of this, I wear many hats.

I wrap myself up in these thoughts. Why are we asked to stay home with our kids? When I personally think about that, it's so we can read to them, play with them, get out the play dough and finger-paint and bubbles. It's so we can nourish their bodies and spirits and teach them and help them develop their self esteem and a sense of security right? Well one of my many hats is the tender-of-other-people's-kids hat. There are some days by the time they've all gone home I've forgotten we even own books or play dough, I really don't remember if I even fed my own kids lunch, and my demeanor is LESS than conducive to an environment that would build any kind of self esteem for anyone. I can't help but think my kids my be better off at a daycare with structure and bubbles and Clorox wipes. My rational self knows that isn't the case, but my sleep deprived, frustrated, postpartum self isn't so sure.

I really have no idea what the purpose of this post is, other than to vent. I know my kids will be fine and the "ends" will eventually meet somewhere along the line. Maybe I just need someone to be feeling the same way as me. Or maybe I need someone who has a BRILLIANT marketing plan that will make my photography business take-off and I'll quit doing all the other extras. Maybe I just need a nap.

Being a Mom is so much different that not being one. (I know that sounds stupid and redundant. I never claimed to be good with words.) I remember when I was a teenager I heard a quote and I just loved it. I really took it to heart. It went something like this, "Live so those who don't know Him but know you will want to know Him BECAUSE they know you." Or something like that. Speaking of the Savior of course. And back then, I thought I knew how to do that. I tried to be kind to everyone, make good choices, keep the Spirit with me, and all of those other important things. As a Mom, I'm not really sure how to do that! I don't think seeing me vacuum and wipe butts and clean spit-up off the couch is making my children want to know the Savior. ha ha ha. I feel like I almost have to relearn how to be a good person. I am not doing my feelings justice here, but what I'm trying to say is, I'm at a place in my life that feeling the Spirit is harder than it used to be. Does that make any sense??

All of that being said, (And I feel better already by the way.) isn't it amazing how apparent it is that our Savior cares for us and wants the best for us? Even more so than I care for my own kids, which is hard for me to understand. He sends phone calls, friends, tender moments with my kids, responsibilities that make me forget myself, and a loving husband who even puts up with my rambling. He sends angels who leave us gift cards that seriously SAVED our Christmas. (I hope you are reading this whoever you where. I cannot begin to tell you what that meant to our little family.) He sends us neighbors who will do anything for us at the drop of a hat, and extra ways to earn money at just the right times. This stage of life is hard in so many ways, but we are learning so much.

This is why I am so conflicted. A small part of me can't wait until this part of our life is over. I can't wait until we can buy our kids clothes that fit without going without something else. I can't wait until I have time to scrapbook, read, learn to play the guitar, go out with friends, and shave my legs. BUT a bigger part of me wants to STOP time. I want to freeze my kids just how they are right now and soak it in. I love Carters funny, impossible attitude. He is so smart and learning so much. I could sit and talk to him for hours. Mason is so loving to everyone. And so innocent. I want to stay right here with him home with me all day learning and playing. Not being influenced by kids at school and the outside world. Davis is perfect. He smiles and laughs and sleeps and coos and just looks at me and melts my heart. And dang it, he is going to get bigger too.

Yes, I am rambling. No, there is no point to this post. It is just the thoughts and feelings of a Mom, trapped at home with little kids, everywhere, who needs a sounding board. A little adult interaction. Thanks for listening. ;p